Vi har på 4hjul.dk samlet en række engelske bil relaterede jokes og vittigheder. Du ser hele listen med engelske vitser om biler lige her under og søger du en bestemt joke eller vits så kan du benytte søge feltet øverst på siden.
See the collection of funny car jokes right here.

Avoid collision joke:
To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.


Car window joke:
I thought the side window was down but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.


Pedestrian joke:
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.


Blonde Car Accident Joke:
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Mere sjov blondiner og biler. Top 20 jokes og vitser.


Americans joke:
What do 90% of americans say before they wreck? OH SHIT! OK Now what do the other 10% say.............................................they say hold my beer honey youre gonna love this


Mexican cab driver joke:
What do you call a mexican cab driver?

CAR-LOS


Flat tire joke:
A man was driving down the road, when all of a sudden he had a flat tire. His car was in front of a mental asylum. So he got out, jacked up the car,and took off the bad tire.He put the lug nuts on the ground. Just then, a truck drove by,and scattered all the lug nuts.He couldnt find any of them. The man said," Damn, what am I gonna do?" Just then, a mental patient who saw the whole thing, said," Hey mister, why dontcha just take a lug nut off the other 3 tires, and put those nuts on your spare? The man was amazed. He said," Hey fella, youre not crazy!!" The patient replied," I may be crazy, but I’m not stupid!!"


Range Rover joke:
What’s the difference between a Range Rover and a hedgehog?
Well, with the hedgehog the pricks are on the outside.


Car bumper stickers joke:
Honk if you’ve never seen an uzi fired from a car door window.

to all you virgins out there thanks for nothing.

Heart attacks: god’s revenge for eating his animal friends.

Flere sjove Bumper Stickers.


MG joke:
I pulled into a garage with my newly purchased MGB and politely asked "Have you got a windscreen wiper blade for my car?"
The mechanic replied "sounds like a good deal to me mate!"


Blonde joke:
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car. "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."


Custom car joke:
John was telling his friend how his uncle tried to make a new car for himself...

"So he took wheels from an MG, a radiator from a Spitfire, some panels and bumpers from a TR6..."

"Holy Cow," interrupted his friend, "What did he end up with?"

And John replied, "Two years and probation."


Parking ticket joke:
Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...

So, I went to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!

This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...
But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ...


Car salesmen joke:
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!"

Too late - he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem ... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"


Rolls Royce joke:
A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.

The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"


Computer and auto industry joke:
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.


Used car salesman joke:
Whats the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?

The used car salesman knows when he's lying.


A dumb blonde joke:
What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

An airbag.


Red green light joke:
I was recently riding with a friend of mine.

We were coming to a red light, and he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" He tells me this is how his brother drives.

We come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" Again, he tells me this is how his brother drives.

We come to a green light, and he SLAMS on the brakes. My heart nearly goes into my throat. I shouted at him, "Why do you do that?!"

He replied, "You never know, my brother could be coming the other way."


Yo momma joke:
Yo momma is so dumb she got hit by a parked car.


Ford joke:
I went to a couple of car dealerships last week, and the first one I stopped at was Kia, well nothing caught my eye, but the price was right, then I went to a Ford dealer, again nothing really caught my eye, but I looked anyway, then I go to the Chevy dealer, well I see one that I like, the dealer does the once over with me, then he pops the trunk, disapointed, I looked at the dealer and said, "Well, Theres something missing".

The dealer, puzzled asks "What"?

I said "At the Ford dealership I checked out, they had a new pair of shoes in the trunk of every car"!

Smiling the dealer says "That's so they can walk home"!


Honda joke:
What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

Honda ... because the apostles were all in one accord.


Muddy road joke:
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."

"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."


Squirrel joke:
There's a man trying to cross the street. But when he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and stops next to the man. The driver rolls down the window. It's a squirrel. He says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks."


Mercedes Benz joke:
Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.


Woman driver joke:
A woman is driving down a road. A man is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells "PIG!!" The woman immediately leans out her window and yells "JERK!!" They each continue on their way, and as the woman rounds the next curve she crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.

If only women would listen.


Auto mechanic joke:
An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a 'clunk.' He then made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk.' Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk".


Insurance claim joke:
Real description from insurance claim form:
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: "I could have travelled by bus".


License and beer joke:
What NOT to say to a cop who pulls you over:
I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.


BMW or Mercedes joke:
BMW or Mercedes: My son is proof that anyone can be successful enough to drive a BMW or Mercedes. And besides, he looks so cute in his valet parking attendant uniform.


Volkswagon joke:
What your car says about you: Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.


TOP 10 REASONS TO BUY A NEW CAR joke:
TOP 10 REASONS TO BUY A NEW CAR

10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

9. Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.

7. 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.

6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club."

4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.

3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.

2. You keep losing dates on left turns.

1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.


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